THE STORY BEHIND AMBIGUOUS LOSS UK
Making the Invisible Visible: Chloë Swinton’s Vision
A decade ago, Chloë Swinton never planned to set up Ambiguous Loss UK, but it remains the only dedicated resource for people affected by non-death losses that are unresolved, complicated, and endless. Like many who come to work in the grief and trauma field, she arrived there through her own lived experience.
Nearly 30 years ago, Chloë first began navigating a loss that didn’t encompass the traditional definitions of grief most people understand – she was grieving someone still alive. Her father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease, and later on, dementia (read her story here). As time went on, he became physically present to her but psychologically absent as he slowly faded before her eyes – losing both his mind and body. He was there but not there - there was no goodbye, just an enduring fear, confusion, disbelief and smashing waves of uncertainty. At that time, Chloë didn’t have words to explain what she was going through, the skills to cope, or know where an anchor was.
That changed when she started working for the Missing People charity where she spent 13 years supporting missing people and their families. This is where she came across the term ambiguous loss - coined by American therapist and researcher Pauline Boss in the 1970’s. The moment Chloë read those two words, it all made sense. And yet, when she went looking for support in the UK - there was nothing. Largely, people didn’t seem to understand or speak about this type of living loss. In fact, most, including many in the mental health and social care world, had never even heard the term.
Ambiguous loss affects everyone at some point in their lives. It occurs when, typically, someone or something is physically absent but psychologically present such as with estrangement, adoption, missing people/pet, divorce or the climate crisis. Or psychologically absent but physically present; for example, with dementia, brain injury, addiction or chronic illness.
Drawing on her background as a qualified trauma-informed therapist, her passion for emotional wellbeing, and not wanting others to feel as stuck and lonely in their ongoing grief as she did, Chloë set up Ambiguous Loss UK ten years ago - the same year she said the final goodbye to her father. She had undertaken years of her own therapy to come to terms with her gradual loss. Chloë had also taken time to reflect, recognise and make sense of her other ambiguous losses - such as when her cat went missing, family estrangement, and relocating from New Zealand to England as a child.
Ambiguous Loss UK started small - just a social media account and a few pages of information on the website. It was registered on 19th July 2015, coinciding with one of the many monumental ambiguous losses in history – the sinking of the Mary Rose, 470 years earlier.
But it struck a nerve - people began to get in touch from all over the country and it became familiar to hear people’s lives had changed as a result of coming across the term. In a recent survey, in relation to learning the term, participants said: "It was incredibly healing and validating to know that there was a name for how I was feeling. It helped me to understand that it was understandable that I felt the way I did. It was truly a turning point for me. I was able to drop the shame I felt and allowed me to express my deep sadness”, and “I felt like I had been thrown a lifeline. I finally felt like it could be possible to heal and not have to live in constant emotional pain. It gave me hope.” These kinds of comments are not uncommon.
Over the last ten years whilst living in Norfolk, Chloë has singlehandedly poured her energy into growing Ambiguous Loss UK - offering international specialised ambiguous grief support through dedicated counselling and EFT tapping, developing free resources, delivering training and workshops to therapists, professionals and those with lived-experience, providing support groups, and creating space for people’s stories to be heard. In 2016, Chloë created her own model - The MARCH Model for Ambiguous Loss, which informs her therapeutic work and the website.
The first Ambiguous Loss Awareness Day was instigated in 2022 – an annual date on 19th July to bring ambiguous loss into awareness to highlight the complex, unresolved grief that so many people quietly carry. In 2023, Chloë launched a survey which led to the All At Sea Report and brought more understanding of the impact of ambiguous loss and grief. One figure highlighted a stark reality: that 43% of people experiencing ambiguous loss (who completed the survey) felt suicidal. A participant said, “It is lonely, and frustrating, as I try to scream out to the world around me that this is an extended, anguishing grief.” It highlighted more desperately needed to be done.
Having unexpectedly experienced a rare type of spinal cord injury in 2022, Chloë has since been navigating a whole different kind of ambiguous loss which affected both her mental and physical health (more here). Having come to accept and adapt to her condition and learn to live well with it, Chloë recently started offering specialist counselling support at the national Spinal Injuries Association, alongside her busy private therapy practice.
What drives Chloë hasn’t changed: she knows how devastating it can be when your loss isn’t recognised and grief is disenfranchised. And she’s made it her life’s mission to change that - one person, one story, one conversation at a time. She continues to hope in future that the world will become more understanding and compassionate towards everyone experiencing ambiguous loss.
Chloë Swinton dedicates all her work on ambiguous loss to her wonderful father; Don Swinton (1948-2015) and is forever grateful for all the lessons despite navigating the heart-breaking and painful loss over 18 years.
A decade ago, Chloë Swinton never planned to set up Ambiguous Loss UK, but it remains the only dedicated resource for people affected by non-death losses that are unresolved, complicated, and endless. Like many who come to work in the grief and trauma field, she arrived there through her own lived experience.
Nearly 30 years ago, Chloë first began navigating a loss that didn’t encompass the traditional definitions of grief most people understand – she was grieving someone still alive. Her father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease, and later on, dementia (read her story here). As time went on, he became physically present to her but psychologically absent as he slowly faded before her eyes – losing both his mind and body. He was there but not there - there was no goodbye, just an enduring fear, confusion, disbelief and smashing waves of uncertainty. At that time, Chloë didn’t have words to explain what she was going through, the skills to cope, or know where an anchor was.
That changed when she started working for the Missing People charity where she spent 13 years supporting missing people and their families. This is where she came across the term ambiguous loss - coined by American therapist and researcher Pauline Boss in the 1970’s. The moment Chloë read those two words, it all made sense. And yet, when she went looking for support in the UK - there was nothing. Largely, people didn’t seem to understand or speak about this type of living loss. In fact, most, including many in the mental health and social care world, had never even heard the term.
Ambiguous loss affects everyone at some point in their lives. It occurs when, typically, someone or something is physically absent but psychologically present such as with estrangement, adoption, missing people/pet, divorce or the climate crisis. Or psychologically absent but physically present; for example, with dementia, brain injury, addiction or chronic illness.
Drawing on her background as a qualified trauma-informed therapist, her passion for emotional wellbeing, and not wanting others to feel as stuck and lonely in their ongoing grief as she did, Chloë set up Ambiguous Loss UK ten years ago - the same year she said the final goodbye to her father. She had undertaken years of her own therapy to come to terms with her gradual loss. Chloë had also taken time to reflect, recognise and make sense of her other ambiguous losses - such as when her cat went missing, family estrangement, and relocating from New Zealand to England as a child.
Ambiguous Loss UK started small - just a social media account and a few pages of information on the website. It was registered on 19th July 2015, coinciding with one of the many monumental ambiguous losses in history – the sinking of the Mary Rose, 470 years earlier.
But it struck a nerve - people began to get in touch from all over the country and it became familiar to hear people’s lives had changed as a result of coming across the term. In a recent survey, in relation to learning the term, participants said: "It was incredibly healing and validating to know that there was a name for how I was feeling. It helped me to understand that it was understandable that I felt the way I did. It was truly a turning point for me. I was able to drop the shame I felt and allowed me to express my deep sadness”, and “I felt like I had been thrown a lifeline. I finally felt like it could be possible to heal and not have to live in constant emotional pain. It gave me hope.” These kinds of comments are not uncommon.
Over the last ten years whilst living in Norfolk, Chloë has singlehandedly poured her energy into growing Ambiguous Loss UK - offering international specialised ambiguous grief support through dedicated counselling and EFT tapping, developing free resources, delivering training and workshops to therapists, professionals and those with lived-experience, providing support groups, and creating space for people’s stories to be heard. In 2016, Chloë created her own model - The MARCH Model for Ambiguous Loss, which informs her therapeutic work and the website.
The first Ambiguous Loss Awareness Day was instigated in 2022 – an annual date on 19th July to bring ambiguous loss into awareness to highlight the complex, unresolved grief that so many people quietly carry. In 2023, Chloë launched a survey which led to the All At Sea Report and brought more understanding of the impact of ambiguous loss and grief. One figure highlighted a stark reality: that 43% of people experiencing ambiguous loss (who completed the survey) felt suicidal. A participant said, “It is lonely, and frustrating, as I try to scream out to the world around me that this is an extended, anguishing grief.” It highlighted more desperately needed to be done.
Having unexpectedly experienced a rare type of spinal cord injury in 2022, Chloë has since been navigating a whole different kind of ambiguous loss which affected both her mental and physical health (more here). Having come to accept and adapt to her condition and learn to live well with it, Chloë recently started offering specialist counselling support at the national Spinal Injuries Association, alongside her busy private therapy practice.
What drives Chloë hasn’t changed: she knows how devastating it can be when your loss isn’t recognised and grief is disenfranchised. And she’s made it her life’s mission to change that - one person, one story, one conversation at a time. She continues to hope in future that the world will become more understanding and compassionate towards everyone experiencing ambiguous loss.
Chloë Swinton dedicates all her work on ambiguous loss to her wonderful father; Don Swinton (1948-2015) and is forever grateful for all the lessons despite navigating the heart-breaking and painful loss over 18 years.
