Holidays can be tough when you’re experiencing ambiguous loss. The mix of grief, uncertainty, expectations and family pressure can be challenging. You might be missing someone because they’re alive but not psychologically or physically present; maybe you are hoping they might get in touch if estranged or missing; perhaps you are mourning the version of family you never had, or have lost, and feel even more alone.
 
Holidays tend to be built on traditions, roles and togetherness and when someone is absent, the empty space becomes more obvious. Ambiguous loss highlights the gap between the ideal and the reality. There are many reasons this time of year can be incredibly hard, so we have put together some ways to cope and get through Christmas or Thanksgiving without sinking: 

PREPARING FOR THE DAY
  • Set expectations low and realistic – don’t force yourself to match the “perfect family” fantasy. Decide what you can manage and let the rest go.
  • Choose how involved you want to be – full day, half day, one hour, or not at all. Your wellbeing comes first.
  • Think about your support system – is there a friend or family member who understands ambiguous loss. You are welcome to our free online Ambiguous Loss Support Group on Facebook - we get it.
  • Create a script if things feel too much – something like “I’m stepping out for a minute," “I need a breather - I’ll check back in later.” Or “that’s a complicated topic. I’m not going into it here" if you don’t wish to talk about the loss.
  • Move your body – build some time into the day as physical activity helps regulate stress and emotions.
  • Plan an exit strategy – this might be a space for some calm if you are feeling overwhelmed, or organising how you might get home if you want to leave.
  • Consider a small personal ritual – how would you like to remember the person you are grieving on the day? It could be to light a candle, hold a photo, or write about who/what you’re grieving.

DURING THE DAY
  • Use firm boundaries – you do not have to meet others’ expectations and you don’t owe explanations.
  • Take sensory breaks – get some fresh air, a warm drink, a quiet corner. This will help your nervous system settle.
  • Set time limits – stay only as long as feels manageable for you. Your mental health is important and leaving is allowed.
  • Consider alcohol limits – it may be tempting to drown your sorrows, but alcohol can lower mood, impair judgment, and can increase anxiety or sadness once it wears off. Pace yourself or try alternatives.
  • Anchor yourself with familiar comforts – perhaps a calming object in your pocket, a grounding phrase or practice.
  • Consider your emotional needs – you don’t have to pretend everything is fine. It is ok to grieve during the holidays. It may help by naming how you are feeling.
  • Honour your grief – maybe a 30 second pause, a memory, a silent acknowledgement of who you are missing. Alternatively you may wish to talk about this with others around you.
  • Ensure nourishing routines – make sure you eat regularly, hydrate, and get rest. Self-care basics make grief more manageable and can help regulate our emotions better.
  • Use creative outlets – music, art, or crafting can provide an emotional release without needing words. We have some suggestions on our Art for Grief page or make a Peace Bird.

AFTER THE DAY
  • Reset your body – your nervous system may have felt heightened and you feel exhausted. Slow walk, stretch, shower, sleep, breathe – whatever you feel you need.
  • Do something kind for yourself – you deserve gentleness after an intense emotional experience.
  • Reflection – what felt hard? What helped? What surprised you? It can help to journal on these questions to process your experience, or speak to someone you trust about how you felt.

WHEN TO SEEK SUPPORT
If grief is affecting your sleep, energy, appetite, daily functioning, or you feel hopeless or unsafe, connect with a professional or helpline. Ambiguous loss is particularly tough around this time of year and reaching out for support may be needed with complicated grief. Therapy can help you manage during holidays and anniversaries when you might be pushed to your limit. We offer international support and a free consultation for counselling and EFT tapping.
“Let your holiday grief be what it is.” ~ Alan D. Wolfelt