Mother's Day and the run up to it can be difficult when you’re experiencing ambiguous loss. It may be your mother, stepmother, grandmother, a maternal figure or a child. They might be physically present but psychologically absent, or physically absent but still psychologically present. 

There may be grief for a relationship that never existed, or has changed. Mother’s Day can highlight the gap between the idea of a mother role and the reality of a relationship. Perhaps you are a carer for your mother and roles have been reversed. 

People who hoped to become mothers but have experienced miscarriage, baby loss or infertility can sit in ambiguous loss too. Perhaps a child has been taken away or been adopted. Or someone is missing or estranged, or never been there.

There are lots of reasons Mother's Day can be painful and there may be sadness watching other people celebrate their mother figures, or being a mother. We have put together some ways to cope and get through Mother's Day without sinking: 

PREPARING FOR THE DAY
  • Decide what the day will mean for you - don’t let society define the script. You can redefine the day in a way that fits your reality. Choose whether you want a quiet day or a distraction, to schedule something nurturing or avoid environments that might intensify the day.
  • Reduce unnecessary exposure - the build-up can be the hardest part. Consider muting Mother’s Day adverts or social media posts, avoiding shops that are heavily themed or skipping events that will feel forced or painful.
  • Expect mixed emotions - all are valid and grief with ambiguous loss can be a rollercoaster. Take a look at our page on managing difficult emotions.
  • Put yourself first - you may not feel productive, sociable, or emotionally grounded. Give yourself permission for a slower day, cancel plans or do very little if that's what you need. Emotional processing takes energy.
  • Prepare responses if people ask questions  - you may be asked “What are you doing for Mother’s Day?” Having a short prepared response reduces stress and you may want to say something like: “Just keeping it low key this year.” “Nothing planned, just a quiet one.” You don’t owe explanations.
  • Consider a small personal ritual – if this feels suitable, how would you like to remember the person you are grieving on the day? It could be to light a candle, hold a photo, or write about who/what you’re grieving.

DURING THE DAY
  • Think about your support system – is there a friend or family member who understands ambiguous loss. You are welcome to our free online Ambiguous Loss Support Group on Facebook - we get it.
  • Move your body – build some time into the day as physical activity helps regulate stress and emotions.
  • Consider alcohol limits – it may be tempting to drown your sorrows, but alcohol can lower mood, impair judgment, and can increase anxiety or sadness once it wears off. 
  • Anchor yourself with familiar comforts – perhaps a calming object in your pocket, a grounding phrase or practice.
  • Consider your emotional needs – you don’t have to pretend everything is fine. It is ok to grieve. It may help by naming how you are feeling.
  • Take sensory breaks – get some fresh air, a warm drink or find a quiet space. This will help your nervous system settle if you are feeling heightened. Have a look at our ecotherapy ideas for being in nature and grief.
  • Honour your grief – maybe a 30 second pause, a memory, a silent acknowledgement of your ambiguous loss. Alternatively you may wish to talk about this with others around you.
  • Ensure nourishing routines – make sure you eat regularly, hydrate, and get rest. Self-care basics make grief more manageable and can help regulate our emotions better.
  • Use creative outlets – music, art, or crafting can provide an emotional release without needing words. We have some suggestions on our Art for Grief page or make a Peace Bird.

AFTER THE DAY
  • Reset your body – your nervous system may have felt heightened and you feel exhausted. Slow walk, stretch, shower, sleep, breathe – whatever you feel you need.
  • Do something kind for yourself – you deserve gentleness after an intense emotional experience.
  • Reflection – what felt hard? What helped? What surprised you? It can help to journal on these questions to process your experience, or speak to someone you trust about how you felt. Have a look at our journaling prompts.

WHEN TO SEEK SUPPORT
If grief is affecting your sleep, energy, appetite, daily functioning, or you feel hopeless or unsafe, connect with a professional or helpline. Ambiguous loss is particularly tough around this time of year and reaching out for support may be needed with complicated grief. Therapy can help you manage during these times when you might be pushed to your limit. We offer international support and a free consultation for counselling and EFT tapping.
“Let your holiday grief be what it is.” ~ Alan D. Wolfelt