SUPPORTING SOMEONE WITH AMBIGUOUS LOSS
Thank you for caring so much that you have reached this page. Ambiguous loss can be challenging as the most stressful and confusing type of loss; usually ongoing and without closure or resolution. We have put together some tips to help you support someone you know who is experiencing an ambiguous loss. A number of these suggestions were offered by the Facebook members of our Ambiguous Loss Support Group. Here are seven things that you can do for friends and relatives:
Our Counsellor understands what it is like to experience ambiguous loss and it may be helpful to point your friend or relative to our Counselling page. They are welcome to join our free Ambiguous Loss Support Group on Facebook or they may benefit from our online Navigating Ambiguous Loss Support Group, to connect with others in a similar situation and feel less alone.
- Learn about ambiguous loss and grief – have a look around this website, especially information on our about page and types of grief page. You will see that this 'living loss' is different to a death loss. It can help to name 'ambiguous loss' that your friend or relative is experiencing and recognise their feelings of being 'in limbo'. You may find it interesting and useful reading some articles or books on ambiguous loss to gain further understanding.
- Be there for them – we know that people often feel lonely and isolated with ambiguous loss. Try to listen without giving advice, and check-in regularly with a message or call to see how they are. Avoid saying 'I know how you feel', as you may not. Show empathy rather than sympathy, and ask if you can offer any practical help with specific suggestions. Remember you don't have to find solutions or try and fix their situation. Just 'being there' brings kindness, company and connection.
- Withhold judgement – your friend or relative may struggle to manage the situation that is likely out of their control. It's common for them to have conflicting feelings and thoughts about their ambiguous loss and to be riding an emotional rollercoaster. Grief may be long-lasting - it doesn't go away, and people don't just 'get over' their loss and move on. Everyone grieves differently and often there is a 'stuckness' in their uncertain situation, so show patience and compassion.
- Remember important dates – people have various ways to recognise anniversaries, and acknowledging these may ease some of the pain and offer comfort to your friend or relative. Remember birthdays, holidays and special days like Mother's/Father's Day or Valentines Day. They may wish to celebrate the person missing to them in a meaningful way that feels important to them and you may like to open a conversation about this.
- Have fun – sometimes people need a break from their ambiguous loss and space to relax and have fun. Bring joy and lighter moments to your friend or relative and encourage activities that might give them a break from all their challenging ambiguous grief feelings. Laughing and silliness can be healing and bring some relief. Also remember that just because someone is having fun, it doesn't mean they've forgotten their ambiguous loss, even as time goes on.
- Bring hope – sometimes things may feel very hopeless for your friend or relative. Help them identify what brings them meaning and balance. They may struggle to see a positive future ahead and be fearful or anxious. Finding new hopes will bring options to enable them cope, as well as increase their resilience. Ambiguous loss can last many years.
- Look after yourself – ambiguous loss can be enduring, and supporting someone during a difficult time can be exhausting. It's important to recognise when you need space to look after yourself. If the support you are offering a friend of relative feels too much for you, encourage them to seek professional support or visit their GP. A list of some UK Helplines is also available to them.
Our Counsellor understands what it is like to experience ambiguous loss and it may be helpful to point your friend or relative to our Counselling page. They are welcome to join our free Ambiguous Loss Support Group on Facebook or they may benefit from our online Navigating Ambiguous Loss Support Group, to connect with others in a similar situation and feel less alone.
“The expectation that we can be immersed in suffering and loss daily and not be touched by it is as unrealistic as expecting to be able to walk through water and not get wet.” ~ Rachel Remen
